I’m on the eve of celebrating my 45th year on this planet. I’m a mother to two amazing human beings (all moms say that”). I’m a widow, an awesome, caring partner, a school nurse, a runner, an inconsistent but joyful, climber, a wannabe but enthusiastic hiker, a grad student, an advocate, an ally, a great friend.

I started climbing 7 years ago. I looked into it as an activity for my child who has ADHD and I thought climbing would be a great way for him to use all of his focus. To sustain that mind/body connection. He asked me if I would ever climb myself and I said, sure and did it because he was doing it and I wanted to set a good example. Prior to that day, I had climbed only once at a rock gym, as an anniversary outing with my husband. I had fun but didn’t consider it something I would enjoy doing. I joined a climb class for women at the gym that I took my kid to for his climbing class and that was that. I loved the feeling of getting stronger and sending a route, whether it was my first time climbing it or if I projected it for weeks. My brain was quiet and my body was tired and it was enough. The exact same result that my son experienced.

I grew up in the countryside of Jamaica. The outdoors have always been a part of my life. I jumped streams, ditches, scraped my shins and knees when I misjudged the distanced and collided with the side of a gutter. I climbed, read in, and fell out of numerous trees. I spent a lot of time on the beach near my neighborhood, playing outside with friends. Just being outside. Moving to Brooklyn, to the states, was a culture shock but in a good way. I felt that I was able to live in a big city and experience what that was like. My time in the outdoors became time roaming the city, running track outside in Fort Greene park during high school, walking through Prospect Park to and from yoga class as an adult. Doing city girl things and avoiding the dirt and bugs that I loved as a kid. I’m still relearning my love of the outdoors. Moving here and living in the city there was not a lot of outdoor experiences. I didn’t hike, camp or climb. Moving to New Jersey and having kids made my husband and I look for outdoor spaces. We would go to Ramapo and walk to the reservoir, or any other small park. I loved showing things to the kids and just being outside in the sun, around trees, away from the reminders of society even if I still heard the cars going by. I’m relearning to love the outdoors. As a kid, I didn’t consider not feeling safe outside. Growing up in NY I learned that black people don’t hike. Black people don’t ski. Black people don’t camp. There were lots of things black people didn’t do outdoors but walking through the park and running outdoors felt good. Now, hiking with friends, or with my dogs, or my family feels good. Running Ragnars, climbing outside, freezing at the top of a fire tower on my first winter hike feels good. It settles my brain. I rebalance, I get quiet, I’m exhausted and I’m happy during and after the experience of being outside. After a run, a hike, or climbing, I’m ready to dive back into my life of labels, verbs, and adjectives.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten comfortable being uncomfortable. When I was younger I would hide it. Fake it til I made it. I’ve always likable so that made it easy to fake it, to hide my discomfort. People seemed to like talking to me so I was able to hide the fact that I’m actually an introvert. I love people. Love being with and around them, talking to them, observing them, exchanging stories and experiences, connecting with them. I also love disconnecting. I love being silent, being alone, disconnecting. I no longer fake it til I make it. I am genuine about my feelings, my willingness to interact or not. My needs for space or closeness. I’m honest about my emotional status in the moment. If I’m uncomfortable in a space, I don’t feel the need to fill it with noise or pretend I’m comfortable. I keep to myself. I observe. I tune out.

“Outer Peace” that’s an interesting phrase.  I surround myself with people whose energy speaks to me. I approach situations from a position of confidence. I realize that I don’t know everything and I don’t have all the answers and I readily admit that. I help when and however I can in any capacity that I can. I am adaptable but I don’t hide who I am and feel that I attract people who complement that and who I complement. If outer peace means what do I do outdoors, I run. I run as often as I can or until the tornado in my mind quiets and I’m mentally singing along to the song on my playlist or not thinking about anything at all.